WILLING TO TAKE IT

I once heard this proverb that basically said “Don’t ask for what you are not willing

to take”.  These words circle around and around in my head, I have my own version of this I use form time to time. “You have to be willing to take your happiness, and most times you have to rip it out the jaws of someone else”.

Last night I was saying it over and over again, as I danced around this heavy bag. I jabbed and I elbowed and kicked, switching speeds and stances.  My arms pleaded with me, the fire in my chest was burning out of control. I felt like I was going to explode if I keep going, I started saying underneath my breath, “have to be willing to take it”, “have to be willing to take it”, and I pushed on.

 

I have had almost nothing else on my brain for the last few weeks, months really.  Take my life back, take back my control, change, be better, be more like what I see in the mirror.  I am not talking about the shell that greats me every morning when I wake up, but the guy that lies underneath and that guy is so visible to me its like looking at two different people.  In my life I have only one real requirement for myself I ask that both sides of the coin match.  Have many times have you seen people split, one doing and the other doing something else. One lies and the others suffers. It’s my opinion that this split is what makes people so unhappy. I think it's way too tiresome to carry two different people.

 

Most people are unhappy because they lack the courage to dig deep down and change what they are unhappy about.  I tried so hard for so long to put my happiness in the hands of someone else, somewhere else and then I finally got tired of that.  When my  fiancé left, I quickly realized two things.  1: I loved her and probably always will in one way or another. 2: I didn’t love her more then I loved myself, and that fact stuck a dagger through my heart. 

 

What to do, in such a crazy situation?  I have no fucking idea.  I have been just working on the little answers to I can figure out the big ones.  Hoping if I put myself back together things will work out. 

Now that I am on this path it’s like being in the matrix, you can see so many people still jacked in the system, fooling themselves.  Unwilling to pull that plug and see you can do it for yourself.  “You Think That’s Air You’re Breathing”, Morpheus’s statement keeps bringing me back telling me that I can change. 

I can reprogram my life just like I reprogram applications and WebPages everyday.  I just have to take what I want; I just need the will to bend the world to my will. It’s hard but it gets a little easier everyday.

So pardon me, while I dust off my black mask and nickel plated nine.

Comments

[Ken]

"Most people are unhappy because they lack the courage to dig deep down and change what they are unhappy about. I tried so hard for so long to put my happiness in the hands of someone else, somewhere else and then I finally got tired of that."

Most people would rather suffer with the known then put up the courage to face the unknown. I repeatedly put (or keep myself) in bad situations rather than having the courage to chart a course for myself.

I'm truly sorry to read about your fiancé and your feelings for her. I hope you're able to continue to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and to keep the courage to forge on.