PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!

Weekend let's go

Weekend let's Go!

Broken Mirrors

Real friends always have the ability to call you on your BullShit, when you need a sit your ass down moment.  That is what happened to me today. I was complaining about a problem I have been having lately.  After I got over my ego being bruised I realized that I needed to step up more and take more responsibility for my actions.  I have been working on this more and more, but my conversation made me see how much work I have yet to do, its funny cause I had pretty much already come to the same conclusion a few days ago, but it was just having my shit called out made me mad and then I directly my anger at the true target, myself.  I have so much more to learn about things going on around me and the things going on within me.    

 

I have to deal with these pesky demons that plague me, and try to put my broken life back together.  I guess hiding in the gym everyday doesn’t really cover it either, can’t build anything on a faulty foundation. So I struggle on trying to find the real me inside this house of cards that I have become.  I hope all that matter can bear with me till I get my shit together.

 

I know I am not perfect; I am stubborn, arrogant, and just all too full of myself.  I am pretty much what I am I needed to be to get alone in this world, but that doesn’t excuse my sins.   I am working on things, so I apologize in advance for all the people who have to put up with me.

Happy Birthday!!?!!

So today is my Ex’s birthday, and for the past 3 weeks I have been fighting with the idea of getting her a birthday gift. 

I can’t believe I am really discussing this.  I can’t talk about this with my friends, cause I am sure the will tar and feather me.  I am sure they will probably kill me for just thinking about getting her a birthday gift.  I would love to act tough and let it past, maybe next year but not this year so, After fighting with the idea I came to the conclusion that I wanted to get her something special if for no other reason, Then I know we are both moving on and if you got to go, then go with a little style.  I promised her a new bag every year. 3 bags in, I feel like these boots will be better,

 

besides I spent 3 weeks last season trying to get her the last year’s version. I have them on hold at the Fendi store, i need to hustle over there last pair in her size.  I wonder if she will even accept them, wouldn’t be surprised if they came back.  I hope she likes them, but I am sure she will love them. I really wish I knew the word for what is wrong with me ;-)

am I crazy?

WILLING TO TAKE IT

I once heard this proverb that basically said “Don’t ask for what you are not willing

to take”.  These words circle around and around in my head, I have my own version of this I use form time to time. “You have to be willing to take your happiness, and most times you have to rip it out the jaws of someone else”.

Last night I was saying it over and over again, as I danced around this heavy bag. I jabbed and I elbowed and kicked, switching speeds and stances.  My arms pleaded with me, the fire in my chest was burning out of control. I felt like I was going to explode if I keep going, I started saying underneath my breath, “have to be willing to take it”, “have to be willing to take it”, and I pushed on.

 

I have had almost nothing else on my brain for the last few weeks, months really.  Take my life back, take back my control, change, be better, be more like what I see in the mirror.  I am not talking about the shell that greats me every morning when I wake up, but the guy that lies underneath and that guy is so visible to me its like looking at two different people.  In my life I have only one real requirement for myself I ask that both sides of the coin match.  Have many times have you seen people split, one doing and the other doing something else. One lies and the others suffers. It’s my opinion that this split is what makes people so unhappy. I think it's way too tiresome to carry two different people.

 

Most people are unhappy because they lack the courage to dig deep down and change what they are unhappy about.  I tried so hard for so long to put my happiness in the hands of someone else, somewhere else and then I finally got tired of that.  When my  fiancé left, I quickly realized two things.  1: I loved her and probably always will in one way or another. 2: I didn’t love her more then I loved myself, and that fact stuck a dagger through my heart. 

 

What to do, in such a crazy situation?  I have no fucking idea.  I have been just working on the little answers to I can figure out the big ones.  Hoping if I put myself back together things will work out. 

Now that I am on this path it’s like being in the matrix, you can see so many people still jacked in the system, fooling themselves.  Unwilling to pull that plug and see you can do it for yourself.  “You Think That’s Air You’re Breathing”, Morpheus’s statement keeps bringing me back telling me that I can change. 

I can reprogram my life just like I reprogram applications and WebPages everyday.  I just have to take what I want; I just need the will to bend the world to my will. It’s hard but it gets a little easier everyday.

So pardon me, while I dust off my black mask and nickel plated nine.

Eyes Wide Open

Not sure what's gotten to me today. I'm so relaxed, just chilling didn't have any issues waking up. Feel glad to be alive I haven't had many days like this recently so i am drinking it in. Not going to let anyone
blow my high.
 

Betrayed!

I got myself on the train and pulled my kindle and iPhone and started reading. When a song comes on my iPhone that I have not heard in years. It strips me bear and left me there naked. It quietly and quickly broke down my vernier, I was standing there betrayed by this song and my true feeling were out showing for the whole world to see. I felt like I was only one on the train, if it had been true I would probably have broken down and cried like a baby. I quietly put myself back In the box that i been living in and smiled, because I forgot a song could do that. Has that ever happens to you?