Losing it all Part 1.
I really don’t understand it at all, how can it all be coming down to this. I calculated so carefully and planed so methodically. But here it is at the brink of the end of the world as I know it. I am losing two of the most people in my life up to this point, one I had to let one go and the other is being ripped away.
Ending my engagement while on the surface may seem like my idea. I was the one who got frustrated, the one who threw in the towel, but looks can be deceiving. I absolutely worshiped my fiancée she was the motivating force in my life and just like everything else in my existence it was not always a positive progression. Seems like I’m always growing through pain, like there is no other way, Seems like it was predetermine that is the way for me. She changed me so much by making me dig so deep inside to find the real man within, because only a man with deep and complete love and understand could ever deal with her. She made me focus on what is the most important thing in life being with the people you love cause after all everything gets old. Love is really the only way.
I treated my ex like a queen, with the very simple idea, that is I loved her with all of me. Things would have a favorable outcome. I gave her my heart and all my resources. I protected her, I nurtured her and I provided for her, I did the best that I could. She thinks it’s all about the Fendi bags and minks and jewelry to me it was about the little things, like how I would sneak things into her purse like handy wipes and toilet seat covers. I know who nasty bathrooms could be and she had to sit down, I would put a little extra cash so I didn’t have to worry about her not having any. Her welfare always seemed paramount in my mind. I never even saw another women cause there was no other as far as I was concerned. Things began to back draft on me, it seemed the move love I poured on her the more things went up in flames, she accepted my ring happily I might add. I was afraid that our history would stop her from doing that. She never didn’t a single thing to get us where we needed to go, well at least not to me. No matter how little I expected I was always forced to accept less.
First was the engagement party, which was still born, I waited for months and the excuses just keep coming, work, school and issues with her family. Meanwhile I quietly went on with my duties loving her and trying to move us forward. I guess in the back of my mind doubt started to form. I started questioning whether she was really in this thing with me, but I kept the faith and prayed things will be good. In any relationship ups and downs come and go, I was staying the course. I just wanted some sign that the numbers were not adding up against me. She kept saying that everything was good and that the wedding plans were going on without any problems. I didn’t see any progress and become frustrated and we argued and nothing really changed, well accept me, a seed of discontent started to grow.
I started to wonder why I should continue to sit back and treat her the best I could and when it comes to me or “us” things just kept coming up. When I confronted her she would lash out with rage and it was almost always an ugly situation, and with my fiery persona that would just get me nowhere sometimes I felt like the “Two Jakes” one campaigning for peace and the other planning for war. It’s hard to be rational when you are both saint and sinner.
Eventually I got so tired and it started to show, it ways I didn’t think possible, my heart started to harden toward her, how that is even possible I’m not sure. I tried to talk to her but it always seemed that it didn’t matter I was peppered with excuses when what I needed was change. I told her that I was starting to feel differently, that is when she asked me to just hold on. I was hoping she would have an answer that didn’t involve stalling for more time, after almost 10yrs; I didn’t have any more time to give. She seemed to go back and forth between blaming me for not wanting to deal with the BS and asking me for more time. All she had to do, was do something the right way. She fell back on the basics she cooked and fucked. But she was doing it because of the situation not because that was the way it should have been done from the jump. A friend of mine said to me “who cares why as long it was getting done” but it mattered to me. I just wanted her to kill herself to make me happy the very same way I was killing myself to make her happy. She was unwilling to compromise herself for me. I’ve come to respect her for that because you can’t force somebody to do that. I did it willingly doesn’t mean that she would. It just meant that maybe there was a reason for her holding back and not giving me her all. In the end I decided I needed what I was giving. She could have brought us back at anytime, just stop making all these stupid excuses and say something real that I could feel.
She left and took all her shit cursing me all the way. A week later she showed up unexpectedly (why she didn’t return my key?) and I was sitting on the couch talking to a friend, she went off, which made no sense and was really stupid because I was really ready to call her and ask her to come back, which is what she wanted. She acted so selfish and stupid I just let her go. If she had stopped for one second to think about things it was not like she walked in and saw me fucking. I was watching a movie and my friend had just spent the whole night talking me into giving her another chance, I kind of took it as a sign. She was hurt and upset, but that doesn’t resolve her of her part she played in this “Greek Tragedy”, I say Greek Tragedy because that is exactly what I feel like. I’m kind of like Icarus flying to close to what I really wanted and watching in horror as my wings melted and I fall to my death and of course I hit every branch on every tree on the way down, lucky me.
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